


Thrifted Youth

by enderglitxh



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dirk Strider and Dave's Bro Aren't the Same Person, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Trans Karkat Vantas, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Dave Strider, Transphobia, if this sounds heavy thats bc it is, okay well it starts in middle school, the relationships in this fic are all over the place, the tagged relationships are endgame tho, we play a lot with past relationships sorry gang
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25079551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enderglitxh/pseuds/enderglitxh
Summary: Roci Strider is many things, confused and closed off makes up a lot of those things, so, of course, middle and high school are absolute hell. Friends, opening up, and confronting herself aren't things that come naturally and it's practically impossible to get past her wall that she's built up. Doesn't mean people don't try relentlessly--like holy shit can these guys lay off?orhumanstuck AU that I've invested too much time into.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sollux Captor/Dave Strider, Sollux Captor/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Sollux Captor/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Thrifted Youth

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to my friend Kar they are the real MVP, we created this AU together and they graciously let me write it AND they are my beta. Plus they take the brunt force of all my crazed writing fits, my vaguely coherent writing process, and the constant stream of whining that comes with writer's block.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: deadnaming/misgendering, themes of transphobia and homophobia, bro being a dick, manipulation using religion, vague references to unsafe binding methods but NO ace bandages because that bad. stay safe kids <3
> 
> All chapter titles come from the song Thrifted Youth by Dalynn!

Roci Strider was not jealous of her best friend. She just wasn’t, it’s a stone-cold fact. It was irrefutable. Literally no one could challenge it because it was proven by fucking science. She hadn’t been jealous when John had met K (Roci had no idea what her actual name was, she insisted on going by K) and Roci for sure wasn’t jealous now as she watched John hold the short girl’s hand, running his thumb along her palm slowly and languidly. It was stupid, John was a human being and he was allowed to have a girlfriend, It wasn’t like she wanted to keep him away from dating because that was stupid and controlling, and besides John had been wanting to ask out K for like a month now. Roci was all but against the idea, she was even happy for him because he finally got a girlfriend! It’s just that she didn’t know what John saw in K. K was loud— _ way _ too loud to be ladylike or whatever—and K was really rude like all the time. Constantly insulting Roci, John, and honestly, K even insulted this dude that was her friend—Sammy or Sully or something, Roci didn’t actually know the guy’s name. She was sure he’d said it, but she can’t be too assed to remember at this exact moment. He was tall and god awfully skinny and bleach blonde, she was sure his hair was just as natural as hers but it looked frizzy enough that it wouldn’t surprise Roci if his hair was bleach damaged. Speaking of, he shifts next to her, leaning in some, his face was contorted in mild disgust and his glasses were sliding down his nose, which he does nothing to fix. Roci had no idea if he could see out of the red and blue lenses that were very obviously fake, but she was wearing pointed anime shades Bro gave her, so she had no room to judge.

“Isn’t that so disgusting,” He whispers in her ear, his lisp is harsh and she refrains from pushing him away because ew he’d almost fucking spit on her. “Didn’t actually think K would  _ date _ him.” Roci snorts and glances over at the lanky dude—seriously what the fuck was his name.

“Didn’t think John would ever land a date myself,” She whispers back, eyeing as John not-so-subtly places his hand— _ John, Jesus Christ, this was no fucking place to be feeling up some girl’s thigh _ . Roci makes a mental note to slap John in the face and probably talk to him. Judging by the grossed out sound next to her, Roci assumes that her single saving grace in this weird situation was thinking the same thing. K unsubtly moving his hand away does make Roci snicker, though.

“I knew that K would land a date th-she,” He stumbles and Roci side-eye him, but elects to ignore it, “K is surprisingly good at romance given how brash she can be.” He gives a shrug and looks over at the happy couple once again. “Just didn’t think John was her type.” Roci hums, considering.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t place any bets on it lasting,” She says honestly, “John can be fucking stupid and he says shitty things without thinking. It’s a wonder we’ve been friends for so long because he pisses me off on the daily.” From over her shades, Roci sees Sssssol? S… SOLUX! That was his name. She sees Sollux side-eye her in surprise. “What?”

“I didn’t realize you curse,” He remarks, “Because you’re a girl.” Roci very pointedly pushes down that… that weird feeling she always got. That feeling when people call her a girl, she ignores that and focuses on the anger at the very presumptuous statement.

“Well fuck, dude,” She says dryly, “Didn’t realize that being a girl hindered me from cursing.” Sollux put his hands up in mock defense, giving her a once over. She doesn’t think he’s actually judging her, but you can never be too safe, so she gives him a look over her shades.

“You just don’t meet many girls who curse.”

“Well, that’s because I’m way fucking cooler than everyone else,” She gives Sollux that shit-eating grin she always gives John when she’s bested him. Sollux snorts unattractively.

“Oh, so you’re not like other girls?”

“Oh my god, no, fuck off!” She says, appalled. He snorts again and rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, sure thing Roci,” He says dryly. She feels that weird gut feeling again. God, she fucking hated that feeling.

“Strider.”

“Huh?” He gives her a look, eyebrows raised. Roci swallows around that damned fear in her throat, it  _ isn’t _ a big deal.

“Call me Strider,” she insists, “It’s my last name, ‘s what John calls me usually.” Sollux’s eyebrows stay firmly placed in his hairline and Roci almost wants to slap him for it. Regardless, Sollux nods.

“Alright then, Strider,” he relents, “I’ll keep letting you think you’re hot shit just because you curse.” She sticks his tongue out at him, because dammit she’s a  _ mature _ sixth-grader and knows how to properly end an uncomfortable conversation. “I swear it’s a wonder that you and K seem to butt heads so often.”

“Eugh,” is all she really says.

“Your annoyance with her is hilarious, why do you hate her so much?” Roci almost wants to not say anything, this is K’s best friend after all. “Oh don’t be shy now, it’s not like I’m gonna tell on you or something.” Well shit, she can’t argue with that.

“She’s so fucking  _ rude _ ,” Roci says with a scrunched face, “I just don’t get it! She’s barely nice to me, you, or even John and she’s dating the guy!”

“That’s just K,” Sollux shrugs, “She’s always been like that and probably always  _ will _ be like that.” Roci scoffs and rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t continue because up walks the happy couple in question. John is, as always, looking at K like the girl hung the fucking stars in an oversized hoodie and black jeans. Roci pointedly looks down at her shoes and if she’s asked she’ll just say it’s because K is giving her a look. She’s forced to look up as the other girl scoffs.

“You look annoyed as ever,” K says, giving Roci a judgy once over. Roci just barely contains her urge to call the other girl out. She does not contain her snide comment, though.

“Not lookin too sweet yourself, Vantas,” Roci says with a fake sweet smile and she can feel John’s eyes burning holes into her. She turns towards said person who’s angrily looking at her and simply jerks her head up in greeting, ignoring the fact that he’s a bit offended. “You ready to go, Egbert? You’ve been mackin on K’s lips for like twenty minutes, at this rate I won’t have any time to walk home before Bro kicks my ass into next month.” John’s skin flushes and he gives Roci a pointed look.

“I wasn’t  _ macking _ we were!—whatever,” John huffs and looks at K with that sickly sweet look again. Roci looks away, for privacy. She hears them kiss— _ eugh _ —and Sollux fake gags next to her, causing Roci to snort. “Bye, Babe!” The excitement is practically leaking from John’s little pet name attempt and there is a pointedly choked sound that escapes K’s lips. For her own life, Roci holds back her giggling. It wasn’t like it was weird to see someone embarrassed over a pet name, Roci just took great enjoyment in K’s flustered stammering.

“Just K is fine—bye John.” She says in a rush, practically pushing John away from her. Roci hears Sollux snort violently in amusement, and she herself  _ barely _ kept it together as she got up and followed a disheartened John away from the other two. Almost as soon as they were out of earshot Roshi started laughing, and loudly.

“Holy shit I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that embarrassed before,” She cackles, wiping a fake tear away from under her shades. “Nice going John, I think you might have terrified the poor girl. I can see the headlines now; Johnathan Egbert: Lost His Girlfriend Because He Was Nice.” John grumbles, making a displeased sound.

“Shut up,” He fixes his hands onto the straps of his backpack, “It isn’t funny. What if I upset her!” Oh, oh shit so he was like actually upset. Right. She quickly switches gears.

“Dude,” She says seriously, “I’m sure it’s fine. You probably just caught her off guard or something. K doesn’t exactly seem to be the most physically affectionate.”

“Not true,” John counters immediately, “She actually loves cuddling and—”

“TMI dude,” Roci interrupts, “You’ve barely been dating a week I don’t want to hear about what you and your girl do in the bedroom.”

“Roci!”

“ _ Strider _ ,” She pointedly corrects, “Come on, I know you’re trying but we’ve talked about this.” John pouts, just slightly, but after a second he relents.

“Alright, okay, sorry. I just don’t get it is all,” they turn off campus property, leaving the shitty Middle School behind and towards the dirt lot where John’s always picked up across the street. “Like, I mean, your choice but why do you hate your name so much? Roci is perfectly pretty.” She has to physically restrain herself from recoiling at the compliment. Well, She guesses it’s  _ supposed _ to be a compliment, doesn’t feel like one.

“Dunno, Egbert, just don’t like it. Sounds weird when people call me that,” She hops down off the curb and walks along the bike lane. John’s been just a few inches taller than her for a month or so now—something he won’t fucking shut up about—but from here he’s practically a head taller than her.

“God, you sound like K,” John rolls his eyes, “Both of you are so anal about your names. Is it a girl thing that I don’t understand?” Roci scrunches her face up.

“Ew don’t compare me to K we are nothing alike, Sollux did the same thing. It’s weird.” She says seriously.

“Well damn dude, that’s a two for two now you know something is up.” Roci gives him an angry side-eye, but she’s holding back a small smile as John laughs, cracking himself up.

“Also no I really don’t think it’s a ‘girl thing’ to hate your name,” She says eventually, “plenty of girls like their name. Like… Jade. She’s never expressed hating her name! I don’t think.”

“Hmm that is true,” John relents, seemingly thinking really hard about this. He’s silent for a few more seconds before looking down at her with that shit-eating grin she hates. “So,” John says, dragging out the o, “It’s just you and K? Making you two… similar.” Roci jumps back up onto the sidewalk as they hit the crosswalk and punches John in the shoulder. “Oh, hey! Roc-Strider! That isn’t cool!” Roci feels something… something bubble up in her chest at the fact that John remembered to correct himself. She ignores it.

“That’s what you get, Egbert. Go get picked up by your dad, loser.” She pushes him towards the crosswalk, but she has a smile on her face. John huffs in amusement.

“Are you  _ sure _ you don’t want a ride, dude? Dad won’t mind.” Roci feels something else tug deep inside her trying to make it’s way up into her throat. She finger-guns at John instead.

“Nope, I’m good walking. Exercise and all that shit.”

“Come on it isn’t that big of a deal it isn’t even that out of the way!”

“ _ John _ ,” She doesn’t want to get touchy, but John just… she needs him to leave it. John sighs.

“Alright okay fine you win today, Strider, I’ll get you to accept a ride someday.” And with that John turns on his heels and starts doing that jog-walk that people do when they want to make it to the other side of the crosswalk on time. Roci lets out a sigh of relief, glad that John hadn’t pried much more than normal, and she makes her way towards the apartment.

It wasn’t that she  _ wanted  _ to refuse John’s offer of a ride every time, she really fucking wanted to accept the offer every time John brought it up. But she also knew that if Bro saw that she had gotten a ride instead of walked, he’d call her lazy and ungrateful. She understood she guessed, Roci knew that asking for a ride somewhere so out of the way for John and Mr. Egbert was rude anyway, so it was easier just to walk even if she didn’t need the exercise. Roci pulls out her headphones from her tiny ass jean pockets—god, they needed to stop putting such tiny pockets in women’s jeans—and shoved the buds into her ears, turning on music. She didn’t even bother to stop walking, the route was so familiar now that walking to and from school was mindless and required literally nothing other than a half coherent brain. Unfortunately, that also meant that her brain could wander and she could  _ think _ and Roci’s brain was  _ very _ insistent on thinking about John, K, and Sollux. It was either that or… or Strider and neither option was great if she was being honest.

She turned up the volume on her shitty, dollar store headphones in hopes of overpowering the thoughts in her brain. Either that or blow her fucking brains out.

Pointedly ignoring the insistent voice inside her, Roci forced her brain to go blank, taking a sharp turn left into an alleyway. Her apartment complex was one of those huge industrial buildings, absolutely impossible to miss, but she hadn’t entered through the front gate in what felt like years. Frankly, it was just easier to go in through the loose back gate, her apartment was in the far back building up a million flights of stairs anyway. If anything, it saved time  _ and _ she could avoid all the patrons milling around in the front, looking for anyone at all to have a conversation with; yes, even the girl with matted blonde hair and bulls— _ cool _ , cool anime shades and a hoodie that could have been worn by itself and hid everything. As she stepped inside the complex and slid through the back door, Roci considers taking the elevator today. It was hot as balls—when wasn’t it, though?—and it did make things quicker but… Nah. It wasn’t that she was  _ avoiding _ the apartment, it’s just that yknow. It was nice to be outside of her room sometimes, that’s all. Only slightly begrudgingly, Roci starts to climb the absolutely absurd amount of stairs that lead to the seventh floor.

By the time she reached the top, her breathing was slightly labored, but otherwise, it was much the same as always. The hall that stood before her was empty and decidedly unkempt. It made her a little uneasy to look at, but she powers through like always, choking it up to the fact that it vaguely smelled like general trash up here. The apartment complex wasn’t exactly ah… well kept, but it was affordable and Roci knew that Bro couldn’t afford much more. From there it was a simple matter of walking up to apartment 123 and putting her ear up close, listening for movement. She couldn’t hear the TV on, could be on mute but unlikely, and she can’t seem to hear anyone moving, so she quietly unlocks the door and pushes it open. She jumps back in an instant, but when nothing pops out at her, Roci very cautiously walks in and peers around the tiny, cluttered apartment. Bro appears to either not be home or… no, Roci doesn’t want to psyche herself out, no reason to get worked up. Closing the door and locking it behind her, Roci walks down the tiny and cramped hall—if you could count it as a “hall” with only three doors, and peered at her door. She realizes with immense relief that there isn’t a note taped there, so it’s safe to assume Bro just isn’t home.

Happily, Roci steps into her room, and after closing the door behind her gingerly removes her shirt and sweater. She does not look at the mirror hanging on her closet door as she takes off the second of the two bras she’s wearing. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but it was  _ way _ more convenient to be able to hide in a hoodie while at school. People don’t pay attention to girls who don’t have big… it’s just better. It’s safer, or so she keeps telling herself. A literal weight is lifted off her chest as she tosses the tighter of the two sports bras into her laundry basket, strategically also throwing a spare shirt that had been laying on the floor near her on top of said bra. She coughs once, clearing up her airways. She doesn’t know  _ much _ , but she learned that coughing helps her breathe better. Slipping on her hoodie again, she walks to the closet and digs around for— _ fuck yeah _ , almost a full jug of apple juice.

Roci grabs one of the cups that also hide in the closet, one she knew Bro wouldn’t miss and pours about a third of a cup excitedly. She lets herself smile, dropping her cool kid facade for a moment and she pushes pointy shades into messy hair. She even grabs her headphones and puts on music again, but not as loud as before, just in case Bro came home and needed her. He’d leave a note if he did, but Roci didn’t like to take any chances. She let herself relax for just a moment, and surprisingly, the rest of the day went by calmly enough.

Hell, the next month passed almost smoothly, with only two strifes on the roof. John and K were… well, they were fine until they apparently weren’t. John said he broke up with K, but with the way he acted Roci had the suspicion something was up. Especially because almost immediately after their allegedly calm breakup K and Sollux just… completely fell off of Roci’s radar. She had no idea where the hell they went which was actually pretty unfortunate. Sollux had actually kinda  _ grown _ on her, he was fun to hang out with and text. But she watched as the group chat between the four of them seemed to disappear completely, and she supposed that was that. John acted weird about it for a while after that, but all Roci could get out of him was the same fucking thing every damn time.

“It just wasn’t working, we wanted different things,” John sounds annoyed and it’s one of those times where Roci can’t tell if it’s fake or not. “I don’t wanna talk about it, Roci.” That was another thing, he was being super fucking weird about her name again. It was frustrating.

“Okay, fine, I’ll drop it,” She says, definitely sounding like she doesn’t want to drop it. “I just… you guys were—”

“Yeah, I  _ know _ we were,” John practically spits in her direction. Roci is… she isn’t frozen, it’s fine, he just startled her as all. But she can see the regret on John’s face and he quietly looks away. “Sorry.” He mumbles. Roci isn’t certain, but she might say sorry too.

And the next few months pass… less smoothly. Eventually, John stops being in such a pissy mood all the time and, because Roci can’t get  _ any _ sort of answers, she drops the whole thing and decides not to talk about K or Sollux. She does suppose it’s nice to not always feel that pang of… whatever when she saw John now however annoyed she was with him. And she didn’t have to deal with K and all her weird offhand comments and insults which was entirely welcomed thank you very much.

And then there was the issue of… well. Roci would never say she was a  _ feminine _ person—never has been, never will be if she’s being honest—but she eventually realizes during the summer, when the days are too hot and full of too much nothing, that maybe she wants to be even less feminine. She guesses the term would be more masculine but saying that makes her feel all weird inside and she doesn’t know what to do with that. The thing is that really cool revelation brings up a whole well of problems. The first of which being Bro.

“I don’t want it  _ that _ short,” She emphasizes, “Just to my chin. It’ll be more convenient that way, easier to keep out of my face during strifes.” She can’t tell if Bro is looking at her under those shades or not, isn’t sure she wants to know if he is. Regardless, he stays silent.

“What’s the point in having long hair anyway? I mean, it’s all just dead cells growing out of your scalp!” This gets a reaction, a simple quirk of her guardian’s brow. And yet… her remark is met with more unsettling, deafening silence. She sucks in a break, “Please?” Her voice sounds small, she barely recognizes it, and it’s—no it’s fine she doesn’t need to think about it or the pounding of her heart. It’s just a haircut, it isn’t that big of a deal. Bro lets out a large, heaving sigh that practically makes Roci jump out of her skin.

“Maybe, clean the house while I’m gone.” It’s all she’s given, like an owner throwing a bone to a poor, malnourished dog and Roci devours it as her Bro gets up from the table and unceremoniously leaves to fuck knows where.

The next and possibly more pressing issue this uncovers is the fact that John isn’t the most understanding dude. Roci knew this, obviously, she’s known the dude for years now and never once has he been fucking reasonable. So it comes as absolutely no surprise that, when she ends up coming back to school with freshly chopped hair, he makes a huge fucking deal out of nothing.

“It’s so short! You don’t even look like yourself,” He practically screeches and Roci can’t resist rolling her eyes grandly, moving her head with it. Pleasantly, she feels the choppy haircut brush against her chin with the motion.

“Dude, chill,” She says “It isn’t that big of a deal, just a haircut.” John huffs.

“How did you even convince your bro to let you do that? I thought he was super anal about that stuff?” He stutters over the word ‘anal’—leave it to John “goodie goodie” Egbert to be nervous to curse around Roci.

“Just a lot of convincing,” She strategically doesn’t mention that she cut it herself with scissors, and she didn’t even tell Bro about it until a week later. She barely survived the strife that ensued and she spent a lot more time on that boiling hot roof afterward than she’d be willing to admit to. Worth it, though, she thinks. The liberty of having short hair was an amazing feeling even if Bro managed to hide every single pair of scissors from her.

“I don’t believe that but sure,” John says flatly, “Anyway what are your classes? I have ELA with freaking McKibban and if I have to deal with her alone I will lose myself.”

Just like that, Roci’s school year starts, her middle school status really meaning something now. Seventh grade ends up being… a lot more than she expects it to be. She asks her teachers to start calling her Strider because the name Roci just seems to sound worse and worse every time it’s used to refer to her, something John is still being really weird about, but Roci has long since realized that trying to reason with John was pointless. He was going to be stubborn no matter what, so she decides to let him be upset over literally nothing. Doesn’t make it suck any less as she watches herself slowly… she isn’t falling for John. She doesn’t  _ like _ him, it’s entirely coincidental. She thinks that her and John’s friendship is nice, she  _ isn’t _ interested in that way. (She also pointedly doesn’t notice that for a short while, talking to Jade gives her the same gut feeling that she gets talking to John. She doesn’t even SEE Jade in person, Jade is homeschooled and lived hours away with her older brother and Roci knows that. And besides, Jade is a  _ girl _ , she’s just a friend).

Things with Bro don’t get much easier either, unfortunately. He’s… more difficult than usual, and he keeps saying weird things and it makes Roci feel not unsafe but. But she doesn’t feel great about it when Bro talks about what she’s wearing or about how baggy her clothes are. She usually just ignores him when he talks about her hair, it’s all mindless insults anyway. The strifes seem to get harder as well, she guesses Bro’s decided they were too easy. Roci had been learning, he was just trying to make sure that her skills only got better and that she kept up her progress. John seems to comment on how bruised up her arms are when she rolls up her sleeves, she hasn’t found herself wanting to roll them up again. When he commented on how Roci was walking weird, she makes sure to look up quick remedies to heal up bruised ribs on incognito that night, she wipes her computer afterwords. She guesses she could just tell John what was up, but the prospect made her feel sick, made her chest tighten up with fear. He didn’t need to be burdened with that anyway, Roci tries to convince herself, he had his own stress.

During winter break, when Roci was stuck in her room at all times it seemed because John was off on a family trip up to Washington to see his Grandma, she got a text from an unknown pesterchum user. tentacleTherapist, or Rose as she introduced herself, sent a very long-winded text—with absolutely perfect grammar it seemed—claiming to be Roci’s sister. Almost immediately Roci decided it was some stupid scam and she deleted the chat window. But a few days later Rose shows up again with almost an entire essay’s worth of legal proof about their relation and something about an alcoholic mother, foster care, other things Roci skimmed. There was a single text though, that mentally sucker-punched Roci in the gut.

TT: I’m in a better home now, thankfully, and I hope that Derrick is treating you better than my mom ever treated me. I’m sure he is, Mother talked him up quite a bit.

She wasn’t sure what it was, it was an innocent enough text but it made Roci feel wrong. Like she was  _ lying _ about something. She might ignore that text, and rather focused on the painful amount of small talk Rose was insisting she participate in.

They rarely text, it’s usually just Rose pestering her with mindless stuff or Roci bouncing rap ideas off her apparent sister. It’s… it’s nice though. John doesn’t talk to Roci much anymore, he keeps up with pleasantries well enough, but he seems to suspiciously be always busy when Roci asks to hang. It’s whatever, she decides, she can just focus on strifes and school this way, it’s better. Plus, this means that Roci can fucking get over herself and stop thinking so highly of John. Roci also decides not to tell Bro about Rose, she isn’t sure how well he’d take it. She’s never once heard about her mom and she wasn’t stupid enough to think Bro was her actual brother so it’s just easier to keep quiet about it. Especially when Bro does… Roci was just sitting on her door a few months before the school year ended. She was doing some mindless ELA homework when Bro knocked on her door, something that shouldn’t have made her veins turn ice cold in fear but. Well. He walks in without an answer and sits down on her messy bed, looking around the room calmly. It’s silent for a while as Roci sits, frozen at her desk.

“Roci are you a lesbian?” Roci nearly fucking chokes on air but she keeps her composure… barely.

“Uh, no,” her voice doesn’t crack which is a fucking accomplishment if she’s being honest with herself. “What makes you think that?” Bro hums noncommittally like he’s really contemplating.

“Well it’s just, usually when someone is a lesbian they dress much more masculinely,” hr says calmly, but Roci can see straight through the facade. Bro’s stare is going straight through both of their shitty shades, his large pointed ones, and Roci’s aviators that John bought her for her birthday. Bro is  _ fuming _ . “And they usually cut their hair shorter. You happen to fit both those criteria.” Roci swallows around a lump in her throat.

“Being a lesbian would also mean I liked girls though, and I don’t.”

“You’re right, you don’t,” Bro says, “Because if you did I’d have to throw you out. You know that, right? Gays go to hell, Roci.” Roci sucks in a shaky breath, nodding because yeah, she knows. “I want to hear you say it, where do gays go, Roci?”

“To hell,” She says tightly, and Bro gives her this smug fucking smile and if she was less sensible she would have had the urge to punch it off his fucking face.

“Good,” he says with smugness radiating out of his voice, and he stands up “Now, how does pizza sound for dinner? I’ll get us a large.” Roci nods in silent agreement and she’s very tightly smiling so fakely she’s surprised she hasn’t turned into plastic yet. Her cheeks hurt. Bro, who had been walking towards the door, stops and turns around, “Where are your manners, little sis? What do we say when someone buys you a pizza?” Roci has to take a steadying breath.

“Thanks, Bro,” She hopes it sounds sincere. Bro nods and leaves, leaving her door wide open to reveal that the door across the hall is open too. She quickly turns her head towards her desk, she wishes the sight away. She wishes for the entire world to go away.

So, yeah, she doesn’t mention Rose or the fact that John is practically avoiding her by the end of seventh grade or the fact that she’s really, really scared that something is  _ wrong _ with her. Roci strider makes an executive decision that she just won’t bother because she’s fine. She can survive perfectly well without John or Jade or some sort of stupid family bond.

She’s barely convincing herself here, but it’s all she’s really got at this point, isn’t it?

Seventh grade ends unceremoniously. She barely manages to pass all her classes, as if it would even matter anyway, Bro hasn’t checked her grades the entire school year and she knows he won’t start now. Roci watches her summer come and go like she’s in a trance, half of it doesn’t feel real. Halfway through Jade apparently bullies John into talking to Roci again, which was a surprise. He’s weird and standoffish about everything and for some reason, John is now adamantly against cake—something about his dad making it too much, Roci doesn’t remember. He is calling her Strider though, same with Jade actually. She remembers having a growth spurt and John bitching that she’s taller now but he smiles as he jokes with her.

Roci finds it funny, things almost go back to normal and when she starts eighth grade, she thinks she should be excited. It’s her last year of middle school and she has math class with John again even though she’s certain that John is ahead of her in that subject. But, as with the summer, she barely registers what’s happening. It’s like she’s watching life in the third person and something is so  _ wrong _ but she doesn’t know what to do about it, so she… doesn’t do anything. She’s almost a month into school when she starts coming back to herself. She doesn’t know how to feel about it, it’s weird. She pretends she doesn’t notice that John keeps commenting on her inability to hold a conversation anymore, and she also doesn’t notice that when he smiles her heart still does that stupid fucking thing that it did before all that shit. She stamps it down every fucking time.

Roci wouldn’t call what she’s doing  _ living _ , but she’s getting through life, one painstaking step at a time.


End file.
